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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

my inner soul pain (2001)

[This was written in 2001]

My inner soul pain part one.
Am I ignoring the wrongness in my current state?
Is this a bad place to be?
No, but you are seeking always a distraction.
You are not following a shining path and seeing the good in everything. When things are well you feel that behind every frown is a inner loving purpose.

Are my communications on this level being restricted by my own lack of strong positive passionate feelings?
My feelings are held back because they include a sense of ending and tragedy that has become associated directly with me. So my current state of not knowing what to do, or even seeking to find out what I want to do is like I am having a parallel ending. Something good has ended in my family; therefore I feel something good has ended within me. My awareness, my ability to be creative, my sense of knowingness of happy laissez-faire. I have become more serious. When I wake up in the morning there is nothing to look forward to. Everything is seen as a means to regaining something that I have lost. That is the constant subject matter. Its all about remembering when I felt mythical and special within my life. Instead of mundane and blank covering up a weeping sadness.
But then I ask myself “Is that the truth?”
Is it sadness and grief that is causing me trouble?
Well I previously experienced that my crying and missing was a very personal connection with mum, and myself. It felt sad but good, because I was able to make present our entire connection with one another in moments of tearful emotion.
Then I have had dreams of mum being ill, which were more disturbing. But they did not bring down my following day.
I have quite recently gone into crying for my mum in a more desperate way as I have been feeling ill and dizzy at work and home and have been feeling a bit liverish. However I do know that this liverishness can put a really dark fork in your tongue, where you vent your spleen by saying really spiteful things. Your bitter and twisted words to your friends, a lazy result of the aching organ/mind interface. So perhaps this has put a taint on the grieving communication between me and mum.
I think this could be true because after not drinking for a while, I have had some pleasant dreams with mum and me in the back garden. She is smiling and involved in our decision making whilst doing up the flat.

So as an experiment, it may be wise to go fairly teetotal for a while and just see how that goes. I think if the liverishness goes, then so my communications with others and my grief process will become purer, and I will have less regretful mornings and evenings.
The problem with my days is that I feel guilty, that I am not doing the right thing at all times. There is a sense that if I listen to the radio, go shopping, go to the library, muck around on my computer, then that is time badly spent and that I should be organizing something in greencroft, either housework, DIY or organizing my belongings for the big move. A sense of guilt for wasting time, because somehow time is so precious and that every second is a golden opportunity lost. And that if you engage in these wasteful activities then these are acts of a depressed character who is avoiding the positive movement forward, the way you should be going. And this philosophy of wastefulness is being drummed into me by my sister.
She has an amazing ability to make all her actions within a day be “the right thing to be doing”, but by her perfection, my imperfection is implied. I think this is having a negative effect on my ability to feel confidence in my own ability to have control over my own actions. Somehow my decisions over what I do are split into good right thinking decisions, and bad depressed wasteful decisions. Now the more I am told this is true the more I am being asked to believe it is true, the more it becomes true. But I see my ways of being are being caricatured by this analysis. I am being pressured into thinking that there is something wrong with me. I personally think that our idiosyncratic ways of being if left in tact are part of the makeup of being an individual. I think that a constant critique of that makeup can undermine and have a depressing effect on that individual, especially when it comes from close family.
But at the moment we have to work together on this Greencroft project. It is this that has led to this conflict and this sense of wrongness within me. Also undeniably my grieving is not over and I do need to put myself in a nurturing environment, for a while, much in the same way that I Instinctively did after my hepatitis bout. I would like to think that my character is strong enough and not undermined. That I will be able to find my self again, after this unwelcome but necessary partnership.

But I am not really looking for past Headstates in a regretful manner. My next stage of headyness will I’m sure be just as illuminating as those that have gone before. I will not look at my past as some rosy unrepeatable time. And that all is grayer from now on. I shall endeavor to be a active volcano, a starry night, a double rainbow, a series of fleeting wonders, a net of gusty breezes, a light dancing man, a free free thing smiling at the weeds in the tarmac. Therein lies my way, not this way of organizing rent, moving into an apartment and doing a mindless 9to5 and catching the tube. I cannot be the person I find most compatible with me in those surroundings and circumstances. I have to admit to myself that this is true, and see it as a fine thing. It is a fine thing to be the one who opens up your channels and lets you experience and thrive and create and love and explore and sing and dance. To be that one is easy if you spend the time to examine in this way. Every glass of water is a reminder of this knowledge. It will soon be time to put my earthly things to one side once again, and to venture forth as a light light being. See how the years have changed my abilities and my perspective see what will become. Intrigueing, exciting wondrous times ahead. How fantastic, the sights I shall see, the skies I will be beneath. The seas I will swim in. The earth and birds insects, and mammals, and reptiles, amphibians, fish and marsupials.
And human beings with something to share.

sketched by dweller at 11:56 pm

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

my inner soul pain (2001)

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